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A student’s “Belonging Essay” workshopped

The student who wrote this essay comes from a Cantonese language background. He arrived in Australia in late 2007.

TOPIC: Texts may show us that a sense of belonging can emerge from experiences and notions of identity, relationships, acceptance and understanding.

To what extend do the texts you have studied support this idea?

(2 texts and 1 related texts)

OPENING PARAGRAPHS:

First draft

The idea of belonging represent the important and fundamental value over our lives; are most commonly emerge from experience and notions of identity, relationships, acceptance and understanding. The sense of belonging is extended by the personal aspect in each of the text and is created though various ways throughout the text such as Migrant Hostel and Ancestor by Peter Skrzynecki and Australian by Baz Luhrmann. Each of the texts have a wide range of ideas on how belonging is being conveyed though the experiences and notion of identity, relationships, acceptance and understanding by a variety of literary devices.

Working on the essay

The idea of belonging is an important and fundamental value in our lives. Belonging most commonly emerges from experience and notions of identity, relationships, acceptance and understanding. The sense of belonging is represented in various ways throughout [the] texts such as Migrant Hostel and Ancestor by Peter Skrzynecki and Australia directed by Baz Luhrmann. Each of the texts has a wide range of ideas on how belonging is created though personal experiences and notions of identity, relationships, acceptance and understanding.

Final draft

The idea of belonging is an important and fundamental value in our lives. Belonging most commonly emerges from experience and notions of identity, relationships, acceptance and understanding. The sense of belonging is represented in various ways throughout texts such as “Migrant Hostel” and “Ancestor” by Peter Skrzynecki and Australia directed by Baz Luhrmann. Each of the texts has a wide range of ideas on how belonging is created though personal experiences and notions of identity, relationships, acceptance and understanding.

Read all three stages complete in the following PDF files.

Erratum: In the final draft paragraph 1 on the PDF — “notion of identity…” should be “notions of identity…”

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17 responses to “A student’s “Belonging Essay” workshopped

  1. daniel o. kayfum

    July 31, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    If THAT got a Band 5, I’m gonna have a hard time NOT getting a Band 6 in about 3 months.

     
  2. Nadia

    August 8, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    what does that comment even mean?

     
  3. Neil

    August 8, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    I think Daniel is saying his essays are so much better than this one that he now feels Band 6 is a shoe-in! Hope he’s right. 😉

     
  4. Andrew

    October 10, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    I concur with Daniel. If this is a band 5 response, surely mine is a band 6.

     
  5. mona

    December 18, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    i hate english! i wish i could drop it…. (-_-)

     
  6. mona

    December 18, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Sorry for being so blunt. It’s just that I suck at it. The draft was great though!

     
  7. Rebekah

    February 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    The writer needed to use more synonyms for belonging, it drowned me out with the repetitiveness of it. Overall was good 🙂

     

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